# Three-Pass Revision System

## Table of Contents

- [Workflow](#workflow) - Step-by-step revision checklist for all 3 passes
- [Why Three Passes?](#why-three-passes) - Philosophy behind the system
- [Pass 1: Cut Clutter](#pass-1-cut-clutter-zinsserking) - Make it lean (Zinsser/King)
- [Pass 2: Reduce Cognitive Load](#pass-2-reduce-cognitive-load-pinker) - Make it readable (Pinker)
- [Pass 3: Improve Rhythm](#pass-3-improve-rhythm-clark) - Make it flow (Clark)
- [Complete Three-Pass Example](#complete-three-pass-example) - Full transformation demonstration

## Workflow

Copy this checklist and track your progress:

```
Three-Pass Revision:
- [ ] Pass 1: Cut clutter (analyze → improve)
- [ ] Pass 2: Reduce cognitive load (analyze → improve)
- [ ] Pass 3: Improve rhythm (analyze → improve)
```

**Before starting:** Review [Why Three Passes?](#why-three-passes) to understand the philosophy and [Complete Three-Pass Example](#complete-three-pass-example) to see full transformation from draft to polished prose.

**IMPORTANT:** For each pass, analyze the ENTIRE draft first and output findings to an analysis file in the current directory, then read that file to make improvements. This ensures complete coverage of the document. These analysis files remain in the project for your review.

**Pass 1: Cut clutter (analyze → improve)**

**Analysis phase:** Read ENTIRE draft. Create analysis file `writer-pass1-clutter-analysis.md` identifying ALL instances: adverbs (-ly words), qualifiers (very, really, quite), passive voice, weak verbs (is, are, was, were, has/have/had), throat-clearing phrases, clichés. Calculate word count and target 10-25% reduction.

**Improvement phase:** Read analysis file. Work through ENTIRE draft making improvements: remove 70% of adverbs, delete qualifiers, convert passive to active, replace weak verbs with action verbs, eliminate throat-clearing, remove clichés. Verify 10-25% word count reduction. Ensure every remaining word earns its place.

See [Pass 1: Cut Clutter](#pass-1-cut-clutter-zinsserking) for detailed examples and guidance.

**Pass 2: Reduce cognitive load (analyze → improve)**

**Analysis phase:** Read ENTIRE draft. Create analysis file `writer-pass2-cognitive-load-analysis.md` identifying ALL issues: garden-path sentences, buried topics, subject-verb-object separated >7 words, ambiguous pronouns, broken topic chains, sentences requiring re-reading.

**Improvement phase:** Read analysis file. Work through ENTIRE draft making improvements: fix garden-paths, signal topic at start of each sentence, keep subject-verb-object close, clarify pronouns, repair topic chains, break overly complex sentences. Read aloud to verify no stumbles. Ensure first reading is correct reading.

See [Pass 2: Reduce Cognitive Load](#pass-2-reduce-cognitive-load-pinker) for detailed examples and guidance.

**Pass 3: Improve rhythm (analyze → improve)**

**Analysis phase:** Read ENTIRE draft. Create analysis file `writer-pass3-rhythm-analysis.md` analyzing patterns: list sentence lengths for each paragraph, identify monotonous patterns (5+ similar-length in a row), list last word of each sentence marking weak endings, map gold-coin placement identifying gaps, note opportunities for ladder of abstraction (concrete → general → concrete), mark sections lacking variety.

**Improvement phase:** Read analysis file. Work through ENTIRE draft making improvements: add short sentences for emphasis after longer ones, replace weak sentence endings with strong words, distribute gold-coin moments throughout (especially middle), apply ladder of abstraction, vary sentence lengths deliberately. Read aloud to verify flow. Assess variety: confirm good mix of short, medium, and long sentences.

See [Pass 3: Improve Rhythm](#pass-3-improve-rhythm-clark) for detailed examples and guidance.

See detailed examples and guidance in [Pass 3 section](#pass-3-improve-rhythm-clark).

---

## Why Three Passes?

Trying to fix everything at once overwhelms your critical faculties. Each pass has one focus, making the work manageable and more effective. Multiple focused passes produce better results than one comprehensive revision.

**The System:**
1. **Pass 1: Cut Clutter** (Zinsser/King) - Make it lean
2. **Pass 2: Reduce Cognitive Load** (Pinker) - Make it readable
3. **Pass 3: Improve Rhythm** (Clark) - Make it flow

**Note:** Message stickiness (Heath's SUCCESs model) is handled separately in resources/success-model.md

---

## Pass 1: Cut Clutter (Zinsser/King)

### Goal

Cut 10-25% of the word count. King's formula: **2nd draft = 1st draft - 10-25%**

This forces you to tighten sentences, remove tangents, and strengthen what remains.

### What to Cut

#### 1. Adverbs (-ly words)

**Before:** "He walked very slowly across the room."
**After:** "He shuffled across the room."
**Analysis:** "Shuffled" conveys slow walking more precisely than "walked very slowly."

**Before:** "The data clearly shows that..."
**After:** "The data shows that..."
**Analysis:** If the data shows it, it's already clear. "Clearly" adds nothing.

**Before:** "She was extremely tired after the race."
**After:** "She was exhausted after the race."
**Analysis:** "Exhausted" is stronger than "extremely tired."

#### 2. Qualifiers

**Before:** "This is somewhat concerning for our project."
**After:** "This is concerning for our project."
**Analysis:** Either it's concerning or it isn't. "Somewhat" hedges unnecessarily.

**Before:** "The results were quite impressive."
**After:** "The results were impressive."
**Analysis:** "Quite" dilutes impact.

**Qualifier words to eliminate:**
- very, really, quite, rather, somewhat, fairly
- kind of, sort of, type of
- just, actually, basically, essentially

#### 3. Passive Voice

**Before:** "The report was written by the committee."
**After:** "The committee wrote the report."
**Analysis:** Active voice is direct and clear. Actors act.

**Before:** "Mistakes were made in the analysis."
**After:** "We made mistakes in the analysis."
**Analysis:** Passive voice obscures responsibility. Active voice is honest.

**Before:** "The system is being upgraded by our team."
**After:** "Our team is upgrading the system."
**Analysis:** Active voice creates energy and clarity.

#### 4. Weak Verbs

**Before:** "There are three reasons why this is important."
**After:** "Three reasons make this important."
**Analysis:** "Are" is weak. Find the real verb.

**Before:** "The storm had an impact on our schedule."
**After:** "The storm delayed our schedule."
**Analysis:** "Had an impact on" is bureaucratic. "Delayed" is direct.

**Before:** "We will make a decision about the proposal."
**After:** "We will decide about the proposal."
**Analysis:** "Make a decision" → "decide"

#### 5. Throat-Clearing

**Before:** "It should be noted that there are several factors to consider in this situation."
**After:** "We must consider several factors."
**Analysis:** Cut the wind-up, get to the point.

**Before:** "In my personal opinion, I believe that..."
**After:** "I believe that..."
**Analysis:** All opinions are personal. All beliefs are "I believe."

**Before:** "At this point in time, we are currently experiencing..."
**After:** "We are experiencing..."
**Analysis:** "At this point in time" and "currently" both mean "now."

### Complete Example: Pass 1

**Before (86 words):**
"In my opinion, the project that we have been working on is extremely important and really deserves to be given our full attention. There are several factors that need to be very carefully considered. The budget was exceeded by nearly 20%, which is quite concerning. Actually, this kind of overrun has been seen before in similar projects. It is basically essential that we really focus on getting things back on track as quickly as possible."

**After (44 words - 49% reduction):**
"This project is important and deserves our full attention. We must consider several factors. The budget exceeded 20% - concerning. Similar projects show this pattern. We must get back on track quickly."

**What Changed:**
- Removed: "In my opinion," "that we have been working on," "extremely," "really," "kind of," "basically," "actually," "as quickly as possible"
- Changed passive to active: "was exceeded by" → "exceeded"
- Replaced weak constructions: "There are several factors that need to be considered" → "We must consider several factors"
- Simplified: "essential that we really focus on getting things" → "must get"

---

## Pass 2: Reduce Cognitive Load (Pinker)

### Goal

Make reading effortless. Reduce the mental work required to parse your sentences. Eliminate temporary ambiguities and improve coherence.

### Techniques

#### 1. Fix Garden-Path Sentences

Garden-path sentences temporarily mislead readers, forcing them to backtrack and reparse.

**Garden-path:** "The horse raced past the barn fell."
**Clear:** "The horse that was raced past the barn fell."
**Better:** "The horse fell after being raced past the barn."
**Analysis:** First version tricks readers into parsing "raced" as the main verb, forcing reparse when they hit "fell."

**Garden-path:** "When Mary started to clean the kitchen smelled wonderful."
**Clear:** "The kitchen smelled wonderful when Mary started to clean."
**Analysis:** First version makes readers think Mary is cleaning the kitchen, then forces reinterpretation when they hit "smelled."

**Garden-path:** "The students who the teacher had criticized harshly filed complaints."
**Clear:** "The students filed complaints. The teacher had criticized them harshly."
**Analysis:** Simplified to two sentences - easier to process.

#### 2. Signal Topic Early

Lead with what the sentence is about. Don't bury the topic.

**Buried topic:** "In the report that was submitted yesterday by the research team, several critical issues were identified."
**Topic early:** "The research team identified several critical issues in yesterday's report."
**Analysis:** "Research team" is the topic - lead with it.

**Buried topic:** "Among the many factors contributing to the project's success, effective communication stands out."
**Topic early:** "Effective communication contributed most to the project's success."
**Analysis:** Get to "effective communication" immediately.

#### 3. Keep Subject-Verb-Object Close

Don't insert long clauses between key sentence elements.

**Distant:** "The report that the committee spent three months preparing based on extensive research and stakeholder feedback finally arrived yesterday."
**Close:** "The report finally arrived yesterday. The committee spent three months preparing it, basing it on extensive research and stakeholder feedback."
**Analysis:** Breaking into two sentences keeps elements close.

**Distant:** "The developer who had been working on the feature for weeks despite numerous setbacks completed it."
**Close:** "The developer completed the feature. She had worked on it for weeks despite setbacks."
**Analysis:** Subject-verb separation causes cognitive load.

#### 4. Ensure Pronoun Clarity

Make sure every pronoun has one clear antecedent.

**Ambiguous:** "John told Mark that he needed to revise his proposal."
**Clear:** "John told Mark, 'You need to revise your proposal.'"
**Or:** "John told Mark to revise the proposal."
**Analysis:** "He" and "his" could refer to either John or Mark.

**Ambiguous:** "The team reviewed the code and the documentation. It had several errors."
**Clear:** "The team reviewed the code and the documentation. The code had several errors."
**Analysis:** "It" is ambiguous - what had errors?

#### 5. Map Topic Chains

Ensure each sentence connects to the previous one. Readers follow topics through a piece.

**Broken chain:**
"Mozart was a prolific composer. Austria produced many famous musicians. The classical period saw great innovation."

**Coherent chain:**
"Mozart was a prolific composer. His works span every genre of his time. The operas, particularly, show his genius."

**Analysis:** Second version maintains topic: Mozart → His works → The operas

### Complete Example: Pass 2

**Before (after Pass 1):**
"This project is important and deserves our full attention. We must consider several factors. The budget exceeded 20% - concerning. Similar projects show this pattern. We must get back on track quickly."

**After Pass 2 (improved readability):**
"This project deserves our full attention. Three factors require consideration: budget, timeline, and quality. Our budget exceeded 20% - a concerning pattern shown in similar projects. We must get back on track."

**What Changed:**
- Topic signaling: Made each sentence topic clear
- Concrete details: "Three factors" more specific than "several"
- Coherence: Connected "budget" across sentences
- Combined last two sentences for better flow

---

## Pass 3: Improve Rhythm (Clark)

### Goal

Create engaging flow through sentence variety. Add gold-coin moments. End sentences with strong words.

### Techniques

#### 1. Vary Sentence Length

Monotonous rhythm disengages readers. Mix short, medium, and long sentences.

**Monotonous (all ~15 words):**
"The team completed the project on schedule. The results exceeded our expectations significantly. We learned valuable lessons from the experience. Our clients expressed satisfaction with the outcome."

**Varied:**
"The team completed the project on schedule. The results exceeded our expectations. We learned valuable lessons - about collaboration, about time management, about quality. Our clients were delighted."

**Analysis:** Added a very short sentence ("The results exceeded our expectations"), a longer complex sentence, and ended with impact.

#### 2. Power of the Short Sentence

After several longer sentences, a short one creates emphasis.

**Example:**
"We reviewed the data carefully, analyzing trends over the past five years and comparing our performance to industry benchmarks. We consulted experts. We ran simulations. The conclusion was inescapable: we needed to pivot our strategy immediately."

**Analysis:** "We consulted experts. We ran simulations." - short sentences build momentum toward the conclusion.

#### 3. End Sentences with Strong Words

The last word carries weight.

**Weak ending:** "This is something we should think about carefully."
**Strong ending:** "This demands careful thought."
**Analysis:** Ends with the noun "thought" (strong) vs. adverb "carefully" (weak).

**Weak ending:** "The storm was approaching rapidly."
**Strong ending:** "The storm approached."
**Analysis:** "Approached" is stronger than "rapidly."

**Weak ending:** "Revenue increased significantly last quarter."
**Strong ending:** "Last quarter, revenue soared."
**Analysis:** "Soared" is more vivid than "increased significantly."

#### 4. Gold-Coin Moments

Place rewards throughout to keep readers engaged.

**Gold coins include:**
- Surprising facts
- Good quotes
- Vivid examples
- Humor
- Beautiful metaphors
- Fresh insights
- Anecdotes
- Intriguing details

**Strategy:** Don't front-load all your best material. Distribute it evenly, especially in the middle section.

**Example:**
Instead of: [All good examples in opening paragraph]
Better: Opening example → mid-section surprising fact → closing anecdote

#### 5. Ladder of Abstraction

Move between concrete and general: concrete → general → concrete

**Example:**
"She drove a battered 2015 Subaru Outback [concrete], one of those reliable station wagons that just keep going [general]. Her particular car had 180,000 miles and a dent in the rear bumper shaped like Texas [concrete]."

### Complete Example: Pass 3

**Before (after Pass 2):**
"This project deserves our full attention. Three factors require consideration: budget, timeline, and quality. Our budget exceeded 20% - a concerning pattern shown in similar projects. We must get back on track."

**After Pass 3 (improved rhythm):**
"This project deserves our full attention. Why? Three factors: budget, timeline, and quality. Our budget exceeded 20%. Similar projects show this pattern. The Acme redesign? Over budget. The Phoenix rollout? Same story. We must get back on track immediately."

**What Changed:**
- Added very short sentence: "Why?"
- Added concrete examples (gold coins): "Acme redesign" and "Phoenix rollout"
- Varied sentence length deliberately
- Ended with strong word: "immediately"
- Created rhythm: medium, short, medium, short, short, short, medium

---

## Complete Three-Pass Example

**Original (250 words):**
"It has come to our attention that there are several significant issues that need to be addressed regarding the software development project that our team has been working on for the past several months. The project timeline has been considerably extended beyond what was originally planned, and we are currently experiencing budget overruns that are quite substantial and concerning. In my personal opinion, based on my experience with similar projects, I really think that we need to very carefully reconsider our approach and make some important changes to how we're managing things going forward. There are basically three main areas where improvements could potentially be made. First of all, the communication between the various teams involved in the project has been somewhat lacking and could definitely be improved significantly. Secondly, the scope of the project seems to have expanded quite a bit from what was initially agreed upon, which has obviously had an impact on both our timeline and our budget. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly in my view, we haven't been doing a very good job of tracking our progress and identifying problems early enough to actually do something about them before they become major issues. If we want to successfully complete this project and deliver results that meet our stakeholders' expectations, we really need to take immediate action to address these concerns and get things back on track."

**After Pass 1 - Cut Clutter (155 words, 38% reduction):**
"Several significant issues need attention regarding our software development project. The timeline extended beyond our plan, and budget overruns are substantial. We must reconsider our approach and change how we manage the project. Three areas need improvement. First, communication between teams is lacking. Second, scope expanded from our initial agreement, impacting timeline and budget. Third, we haven't tracked progress effectively or identified problems early. We need to complete this project successfully and deliver results that meet stakeholder expectations. We must take immediate action."

**After Pass 2 - Reduce Cognitive Load (145 words):**
"Our software development project faces significant issues. The timeline extended beyond plan. Budget overruns are substantial. We must change our approach. Three areas need improvement. First, team communication is lacking. Teams don't share updates or coordinate effectively. Second, scope expanded from our initial agreement. New features keep appearing. Third, we fail to track progress. Problems grow until they're crises. Our stakeholders expect results. We must act now. How? Three steps: establish daily standups, freeze scope immediately, and implement weekly progress tracking. Other teams tried this. The Phoenix project recovered using these exact steps. They delivered on time and 5% under budget. We can too."

**After Pass 3 - Improve Rhythm (142 words):**
"Our software development project is failing. The timeline? Blown. The budget? 30% over. We must change our approach. Why? Three problems. First, teams don't communicate. Updates are rare. Coordination is nonexistent. Second, scope keeps expanding. New features appear weekly. No one says no. Third, we don't track progress. Small problems become crises. How do we fix this? Three steps: daily standups, frozen scope, and weekly tracking. Sound simple? It is. Sound effective? Ask the Phoenix team. They faced the same problems last year - 25% over budget, three months late. They implemented these three steps. Result? Delivered on time, 5% under budget. We can do this."

**Summary:**
- Words: 250 → 142 (43% reduction)
- Reading ease: Improved significantly
- Sentence variety: Added short punchy sentences
- Impact: Message is now clearer, more engaging, and flows better

**Note:** For message stickiness enhancement (SUCCESs model), see resources/success-model.md
